From the outside looking in you might think it was always this way for me. Does it seem I always felt close to God or that I always do now? Would you think that life, for me, is just one smooth journey? What do you think when you read these pages, these thoughts that I manage to arrange on this site in such a "cute" little way?
I have spent many nights in these 50 years of life feeling alone though surrounded by people. Angst has greeted me many mornings upon wakening. Anxiety has tried to wreak havoc with my life on occasion without warning. Fear has enveloped me from time to time and I have cried out, on bended knee. Hatred has met me at my door and threatened to harm my family. I spent many days of my young life being made fun of because of a speech impediment. My legs were curved inward as an infant and toddler. I know what it is to feel unworthy. I am partially deaf ... it is a result of nerve damage that progresses with time. As a teenage bride I lost my first husband to homosexuality. I have been the wife of an abuser. I know what it is to have the person you love and trust most to fail you miserably. I have been bullied and taunted. As LeeAnn Womack writes in one of her songs ... "a few wrong moves led to a few wrong turns". My young life was full to the brim of events I wish I had never experienced. More recently, I lost another husband suddenly to accidental drowning. I have been a victim of vicious lies. I know what it is to feel rejection. I have experienced far too many things to list here. I have seen things and lived thru things that most people will never see or experience in their lifetime. Ultimately, none of it matters because today I am a survivor (not a victim)! I always wanted to be the girl that married the love of her life and lived happily ever after ... married to just one man forever. That didn't happen. However, today I am definitely married to the love of my life and I pray that we will live happily ever after! :) All of us have had and have our burdens to carry. All of us have made our share of mistakes. All of us have stories we could tell. What doesn't kill us or break us only makes us stronger ... wiser. (Although there are those that feel they are the walking dead or feel they are broken beyond repair and for them bitterness and anger can take hold ... or depression and despair - either of these leads to a stymied position in life and is poison to the soul).
I have four beautiful children ... my only option was to keep trusting in God to help me out of the less desirable parts of my life.
Are you beginning to see now ... I believe we are all on our very own path in life. Where that path takes us depends on our free will. It all depends on what choices we make ... we never have control over every circumstance. We can only control how we choose to respond to them.
I wanted this Tea Room to be for everyone. Not just those that believe in God. I was hoping it would be a place where there would be something for everyone. I wish I had a way to set up a chat room here but this particular site is limited by the licensing and restraints of the company that hosts this site. It is a good company and I still hope that one day revisions could be made or new policies implemented and a chat room will come to be. Recently, although I can see the growing numbers of people that visit me here, I have noticed a severe downturn in the emails I have been receiving. They have now dwindled to zero. Initially, I hoped it was due to the holidays ... now I'm not sure. I invite your input so that I could create a site that you would want to participate in. If not for you, I feel this site is nothing but a reflection of my life, my soul. What benefit is that? I really wanted it to be a place that we could all take risks and create a forum to let our feelings, our desires, our thoughts to be heard.
Now ... back to my opening statement ...
I believe in God. There have been many times when I have turned away from the Lord or chosen a "turn" here or there that probably lengthened my turmoil along the way ... however, I never felt that God ever turned away from me.
I believe. So I try to draw closer. I believe. So I keep my nose to the "plow". I believe ... because I love God with all my heart even though I feel I have failed Him over and over again. He is my Father. He loves me. This I know. He is the only reason I walk this earth to this day. I pray that somehow, He can use my life experiences to bless others along the way. My faith is what sustains me in this life. I believe.